Yes, Ukraine’s elimination was painful, but there is still plenty of the tournament left to be played. Everyone knows that the best way to get over heartbreak is to find someone new, and, besides, what fun is it to host the final of a major tournament if you don’t have anyone to support?
Below is a
guide for help Ukraine fans find their perfect match for the knockout rounds:
If you want to cheer only through the
quarter-finals, root for Czech Republic. With the possible exception of Greece, the
aging Czech Republic side is the clear outsider of the last eight. The average
age of the starting line up in their pivotal fixture against Poland was a
creaky 27-and-a-half – and that was without elderly 31-year-old captain Tomas
Rosicky, who missed with an Achilles injury. The Grim Reaper will be calling
for the Czechs once Portugal’s sizzling attack starts heating up.
If you like vengeance, root for Greece. They may play a stone age,
sleep-inducing style of football, but the way that the Greeks have lifted their
battered nation is inspirational. The joy of somehow surviving the group stage
was magnified with the realization that Germany awaits in the quarter-finals.
In the Greek mind, German Chancellor Angela Merkel didn’t just kick them when
they were down, she then pickpocketed them and gave them an extra shot in the
ribs for good measure. Few upsets would ever be as sweet as this one.
If you like cheering on the rain, root for
Germany. Like rain
showers in Kyiv, a German victory is inevitable. Germany was a pre-tournament
favorite and looks even more likely to lift the trophy after going
three-for-three in the toughest group of the field. Their aesthetically
pleasing style of play has drawn the admiration of many neutrals, but what is
the fun in rooting on the top dog? You really went out on a limb to pick out
the team with the most European titles. Expect to feel mighty hollow when your
adopted choice does nothing more than live up to expectations.
If you are a fan of luxury, root for Portugal. Everything about this Portuguese
side just feels so lavish – and it’s not just the $43,000 they’re spending per
night for living arrangements. They play like a Lamborghini: flashy, petulant
and never lacking for excitement. Their hair-gel-lathered star Cristiano
Ronaldo makes $42 million a year, higher than the GDP of the Pacific island
nation of Tuvalu. If you enjoying flaunting your wealth in a time of economic
austerity, Portugal is for you.
If you are an idealist, root for Spain. The Spanish commitment to
quick-passing, flowing football has won the hearts of purists around the world
– and spawned an ivory-tower mentality among its supporters. Spain plays the
“right” way, everyone else the “wrong” way, and defeat only results when
opponents stoop to dirty tricks. It is an argument that feels right it home in
today’s fractured political climate. When the Spaniards win, it is beautiful,
but when it goes wrong a deluge of excuses spew forth – see: widespread fury
about the length of the grass after the Italy draw.
If you are a fan of the theater, root for Italy. It is said that Italian fans treat
football as a performing art, and the national team fits into that stereotype.
Legendary diver Alberto Gilardino may no longer be in the squad, but plenty of
his old teammates are keen to keep up the Azzurri tradition of play-acting. The
press conferences and matches tend to feel likes acts in a years-long drama,
with managers and players cast as either heroes or villains. Thespians will
feel at home.
If you like half-hearted “redemption” tales,
root for France. The
media spin is that the heroic French have risen from the ashes of a tragic
World Cup 2010 to inspire a nation. In reality, France’s wounds were
self-inflicted: a self-entitled core rebelled against the coach, played poorly
and were deservingly eliminated. And France isn’t really suffering more than
anyone else in the current economic crisis, so it’s not as if they direly need
the boost. But, hey, if you prefer the other narrative to mine, Les Blues are
your team.
If you are a fan of good, old-fashioned masculinity,
root for England. The
youthful energy of Theo Walcott and Danny Welbeck may be the driving force
behind England’s resurgence, but the English masses will undoubtedly point out
another reason: A return to the sweaty, manly style the Three Lions used to be
known for. The prima-donnas of the mid-’00s sides are mostly gone, clearing the
way for disciplined tactics and crunching tackles. If the sight of Andy Carroll
lumbering forward to head on a long ball brings a tear to your eye, you are a
true England fan.
