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Get the party started: Crystal hall, with its latest video, light effects and plenty of space for a really big crowd, is a perfect venue both for a disco night and a live concert. (Courtesy photo) I have decided now was a good time to resurrect a club review column in the Kyiv Post, and name it after a similar column I used to write years ago – Night Watch. It’s hard to say now if it’s going to be a regular feature of the Lifestyle section, but we’ll try our best.

Back to nightwatching

This city has a busy nightlife, even if I’m not one of those who can fully appreciate it. For me it has always been a struggle to find a really fun place to party after dark, mainly because most of the time you get one of the two kinds of venues in Kyiv. One is a properly posh spot with the strictest face control at the door, which only lets it sugar daddies with their sugar babes, Ukrainian celebrities, and rich spoiled brats of both sexes and wannabes of all sorts. The opposite of that is a venue with a slightly 90s era allure and no face control – as long as you don’t look homeless and are sober enough to stand on your own feet you’ll get in. Thus its usual audience is made of students who like it for cheap admission and booze, various kinds of lowlifes and petty thugs who have a “nothing’s going to stop me now” way with women, even if the latter are totally out of their league.

Another problem I usually have with clubs is – not surprisingly – the music. Unfortunately house, techno, trance and their sub-styles are an equivalent of white noise to me. And there is not much else on offer. I do love to dance, but need at least some broken beats to get it going. There are occasional drum’n’base parties to be found but they aren’t exactly a trend. I also find r’n’b a pleasant rhythm to move to, but such music is usually played at extremely “posh” spots where people tend to just stand and stare, rather than move to the music.

And that brings us to the third problem I encounter in Kyiv clubs. I have never been able to understand the reason why people would go to a place with a dance floor and really loud music thumping and just hang out by the bar, or lean against the wall all night. Yet I see this at nightclubs often. Myself, if I want to drink and chat, I go to the bar. If I want to jump and go wild, I hit a club. If I’m too bored or too tired to do either I stay home and watch a movie.

So as you can see, a club hater that I am, I will make for the most objective reviewer. But I won’t limit you to my harsh criticism, and hope to bring in more authors from the KP and beyond, with news about latest trends in the Kyiv club scene, ideas and observations.


Crystal Hall officially opens

My first visit to the newly opened Crystal Hall took place in early December. I was there for the after-party of crazy gypsy punk band Gogol Bordello, which I saw live earlier on the same day at Balkanfest in Sports Palace. When we arrived to the spot I realized that Crystal Hall, in fact, took over the location of Pioneer Ice Club which had closed last spring. Apparently the skating business didn’t go so well, so the rink space was transformed into a venue with a bar, a dance floor and a stage. In fact, the whole space is 1,500 square meters in size, and its 300-square-meter dance floor is supposed to be the biggest in Ukraine. The same goes for the bar, which is 40 meters in length – also reputedly the longest in the country. On top of that, there’s a VIP room with a separate entrance and a soundproof cocktail bar. Another feature is the music hall-club’s capacity of 2,000 people. Its size makes Crystal Hall suitable for either a club party or a live concert – and that’s the kind of club Kyiv lacks. There are hardly any live music venues in Kyiv that are smaller than Sports Palace but bigger than 44 or Docker’s ABC.

The interior of the place is sleek and polished yet not overly ritzy. Instead of the regular décor, the interior is spiced up with rather impressive video and lighting equipment generating changing patterns inside the cupola over the dance floor, transforming the ambience of the room. Tables in the restaurant area are set apart with futuristic partitions that are lit from the inside, changing color all night like a space chameleon.

According to the official press release of the opening party on Jan. 22, the club was attended by over 3,000 famous guests that night – in rotation. I was there and even though I didn’t bother to count, it did look like literally every local celebrity stopped by. You could play “spot a celebrity” just to amuse yourself. Though of course there were just as many “nobodies” trying hard to attract multiple paparazzis’ attention. Those were quite often women wearing very revealing outfits (despite the minus 20 degrees temperature outside), drag queen-style makeup and fried chicken-style artificially bronzed skin. Next to them stood boys with greased fringes dressed like a cross between Boy George and Ostap Bender (a famous Russian literary character from the comic novels “12 Chairs” and “The Golden Calf” set in the 1930s).

The organizers did a good job of preparing an entertainment program for everyone. It started with a bartender show from the famous Flyer Mafia team, continued with a demonstration of Ukrainian designer Victor Zavadsky’s spring-summer collection and a concert by Gorchitza Live Project. Finally the headliner of the night, Jay Sebag, who provided vocals to some of the best hits by famous French deejay Martin Solveig, appeared on stage. Turns out, after I already left the party Russian rapper Timati came up on stage. And I was really glad I missed him.

Apparently now that it’s officially open, Crystal Hall is operating in full swing. Coming up events include “Candy Girl Night” party on Feb. 5 and a concert by Russian band Cheese People, playing funk and disco punk on Feb. 6. The latter sounds just like the thing for me.


Crystal Hall

1 Dniprovsky Uzviz, 066-858-2823


Kyiv Post editor Alexandra Matoshko can be reached at matoshko@kyivpost.com.