It's not often that Western men get to comment disparagingly about the masculinity of Ukrainians.
We can’t drink as much; we don’t smoke at all; we haven’t been in a fight since school; cooking means more to us than frying potatoes; we don’t fix machines and usually the worst scars we have are from cutting bagels.
We never did time in the army, and most of us can touch type.
But at least we would never be seen in public carrying a purse.
What one does in private is his own business; J. Edgar Hoover maintained a pretty macho reputation despite his closet full of women’s clothes.
There is a moral here: If you gotta have a purse, keep it to yourself.
But somehow purses, which are about as masculine as floral-scented shampoo and potpourri, mysteriously slipped by the stalwart guards of Ukrainian manhood.
I frequently see them as prominent appendages to the strong arms of shady businessmen, guys with noses broken in multiple places, even bodybuilders. Calling them handbags makes no difference; the fact remains that they ought to be only for softies.
Nor does it matter if Ukrainian men don’t generally carry bags with shoulder straps. A purse is a purse is a purse.
Sure, Ukrainians face the problem of needing to carry all sorts of items with no place to put them. Here, a guy needs to travel with his dokumenti, cigarettes, keys, daily planner (also a not very intimidating accessory) and wallet.
The situation is further complicated because they refuse to use pockets to hold anything. Even a small bulge in a pocket, caused by a key ring, is subject to ridicule here.
Why bulging pants would seem anti-masculine, however, has yet to be explained to me.
So what if the he-purse is a logical solution for this dilemma of having to carry all this crap around. It may be the right size, convenient, easy to remember (all those reasons that women have become so reliant on them).
Western men may even look on he-purses with a slight bit of envy; it must be liberating to have everything you need at your very finger tips.
No unwieldy, oversized backpacks that swallow things alive; no fear of cash and metro tokens slipping out of your pocket; and it’s a bag you can search through while walking.
But I digress.
The party line remains: purses are feminine accouterments, not items fit for real men.
Even taking a female companion’s purse in hand for a few moments on a street corner ought to be sufficient to make one fidget.
Besides, proper fashion has rarely taken comfort or convenience into account. Witness corsets and high heels, or from a male perspective, gloves preferred over infinitely warmer mittens. And, while trends do change with the wind and certain items rise or fade with the times (frock coats, for instance), there are certain timeless constants.
Men don’t wear skirts outside of Scotland, they keep the fur on the inside of their coats and purses are unfit for handling.
It may seem like I am exaggerating the issue. Who really cares what a guy chooses to carry? Americans are supposed to jive with cultural sensitivity. But there comes a point when a line must be drawn in the snow; when men must defend against the move to make fashion unisex. Or, even if this is simply the ravings of a madman, at least it is nice to feel more masculine than a Ukrainian on one point, albeit an absurd one.
