The good news is that the Kyiv trolley bus authority, whoever that might be, has decided to ride into the 21st century. Unfortunately, it is a decidedly Ukrainian vision of the 21st century.
This time the development is even bigger than the sleek Antonov-designed trolley buses we reported on a couple months ago. While those new trolley buses certainly make for a more comfortable ride, they don't change the dynamic between passenger and trolley. No, that privilege is reserved for the new generation of stamp machines that I witnessed recently on a decrepit trolley bus limping down Lesi Ukrainky.
Theoretically, this apparatus will ultimately replace the punch machines that are currently installed on Kyiv's trolley buses.
The new, technologically advanced, ticket-stamping apparatus differs from the old punches in virtually every possible way. Most noticeable, of course, is the size – this electronic wonder is giant, no doubt to accommodate all that complicated circuitry hidden beneath it's contemporary chocolate-colored exterior. The rounded box is about the size of an unabridged dictionary; that is, at least five times the size of one of the quaint, outdated punches. Bigger is, after all, better. These stamp machines, which may seem awkward or even bulky to the untrained eye, are proof that Ukraine is finally internalizing that core American (and Soviet) value.
The first time I saw one of these technological wonders, I confess I didn't quite know what the hell it was. Thank God it comes with instructions: There are four steps to successfully using this miracle machine. It's hard to imagine how Kyiv survived this long using punches without instructions. Even if they had instructions, they would only need two: insert ticket and pull down. So primitive.
The automated-stamping apparatus, which comes complete with a digital clock display, actually prints the time of stamping on the ticket. Thus, it would be futile to try to use a stamped ticket more than once, as some people do with the older, punched variety. Obviously, this was vital to curbing the number of free riders (as opposed to simply increasing the number of controllers patrolling the buses).
This stamp machine is so important for the trolley bus authority's strategy initiatives, they couldn't trust domestic producers. Judging by the guttural-sounding company name, these devices are German imports.
Not all the glitches have been worked out yet, of course. But that is to be expected with state-of-the-art machinery. The only person I saw brave enough to try the apparatus failed miserably: She inserted the ticket and a red light went on. The thing jammed! After she jiggled it a bit, it eventually swallowed the ticket, printed the time, and spit it out again. The process took far longer than punching tickets ever did and got more laughs by amused onlookers, too.
All of this was done in the name of progress, no doubt. But sarcasm aside, how ridiculous are these little toys? They are installed on rusting, over-the-hill trolley buses. The trolley authority can't afford to buy many new buses, so instead they go about 'improving' the old. Hence these stupid gadgets.
Each one must cost quite a bit, plus they require installation and wiring. Every vehicle requires several. And they can break. While the punches lacked sophistication, at least they were practically vandal proof. More importantly, they did the job they needed to, even if they did it unglamorously.
It is such a Ukrainian hang up, though. It makes so much sense that in the midst of a trolley bus desperately in need of first aid – with chewed up seats, a burnt-out engine and windows that aren't sealed – they replace the one functional aspect with an overpriced and useless gadget.
It reminds me of Ukraine's state-of-the-art, computerized stock exchange on which nothing is traded. Or the satellite dish at Kyiv's television complex, which they claim to be Eastern Europe's largest, even though there is no good programming on TV.
None of these accoutrements gets at the heart of the problem. They just act as fluffy garnishes that distract from the decay that is rotting this country away. These silly boxes really are heralding Ukraine's entrance into the 21st century. The only problem is that they represent the country's epidemic problems that will only get worse in the coming years, not any potential progress.
