Readers come to the defense of fidelity while injecting a dose of reality into our sparring partners' love-crazed heads
e will run half the letters we received in this issue and the rest next week. The winner will be announced in the next issue.
How sad for Olga! There is no greater treasure than sharing your life (and body!) with one, and only one, companion for life! Only an insecure person shares his or her body with anyone just for the asking; insecure at being able to hold the love of one special lover!
When her face wrinkles up like a prune, and most parts of her body migrate south, where will her lovers be then? Will anyone hold her tenderly in his arms thanking the Almighty for her faithfulness and life-long company?
Kalyna Olexandrivna
Probably, Olga Kryzhanovska is right: Infidelity is a fact of life.
Ihor Mehedynyuk
Fidelity is not a question of naturalness; it is a question of intergrity. Integrity is a habit of living in accordance with the values and standards you set for yourself and others.
Whether infidelity is natural or not is as irrelevant as whether integrity is natural or not. Whatever the case, there are basic human values, honesty being one of them. Living up to the values is good; breaking them is bad. When you lie to someone who loves you and break their trust, you act against basic human values and therefore you act without integrity.
No one would deny that infidelity IS a widespread “fact of life.” That doesn’t make it any more “natural” or “normal” than the corruptness of Ukraine’s government. Both are failures of human beings to live up to the moral standards they erected for themselves.
Mariana Budjeryn
I believe that infidelity is indeed a fact of life. We should not disregard this issue and pretend it does not exist. However, I think infidelity is not a positive phenomenon.
It’s necessary to define “fidelity.” I think one can speak of fidelity or the lack of it ONLY if he/she is bound to the other person by some kind of commitment (marriage, dating, friendship, contract, etc.). Infidelity is a breach of commitment, meaning that if there’s no commitment, there’s no infidelity.
I think that if the relationship satisfies all parties, then fidelity is expected and must be kept. If infidelity takes place, it can only mean the person committing it is searching for a way out, consciously or subconsciously. I do believe there is such a thing as a second chance. If the person truly regrets, confesses his/her mistake and is positively sure that nothing meaningful stands behind the case of infidelity, then this person deserves forgiveness. No third or fourth chances should be granted, though.
In marriage, I think a conscious case of infidelity is a valid reason for a break up. Marriage is a serious and well-thought-of action that takes no back ups and “whoops-a-wrong-one” explanations. Marriage is sacred and must stay this way. Nobody is obligated to marry at all, but if one decides, he/she must realize the seriousness and the responsibility of this step.
Marina Starodubska
John, if you lost your love because of her infidelity, you’ve lost nothing. As a rule, sex is more important for men while we women have our own system of preferences. So, Olga’s article was (for me) one more piece of evidence that women are more realistic, and are able to understand the extra affairs of their male partners and not seek revenge by doing the same. I was born only 20 years ago, but despite this fact I can say that women make love because they want to be loved while men profess love to be allowed to make love.
In addition, John’s citizenship allows me to bring up one more theme: Sometimes the foreigner doesn’t deserve to be treated as the Minister of Foreign Affairs. John, if you want to accuse Ukrainian girls of being unfaithful, you should be abandoned by at least 10 girls, so your experience would be an argument in such a serious, as I think, accusation. But to all Western men searching for their “destiny” in Ukraine, I’d like to say that besides our 18th-century level of life you will not meet the morality of the same century here. So if you expect to find something tender, faithful, innocent, loving, you are going to be the victim of your own illusions. Don’t be confident that your Ukrainian girlfriends consider you the greatest happiness of their lives: You can be easily substituted for … another foreign man.
Vera Rebbitenko
John and Olga, unfortunately both of you missed the mark. John, I’m sorry you were hurt but could you have expected anything different? Long-distant phone calls and agreements to live together are not guarantees of fidelity. Even if she hadn’t kicked you out after two days, I think that sooner or later you would have found yourself in the same boat.
Olga, if fidelity “has nothing to do with real love and real life,” then what is real love? What is fidelity? The two go hand-in-hand. Love is not a “game with no rules;” unbridled passion and self-serving desires are games with no rules. Love is not a game but it does have rules; that’s what makes it the fundamental necessity for human survival. It requires giving, unselfishness, and devotion to another human being. Only in this manner does a person find true happiness and fulfillment. Cleopatra, Catherine II, and Madonna are hardly examples of normal, average women.
“Follow your desires, forget about morality” is indeed a philosophy that many would like us to think is right and mainstream. But just because something makes the most noise or draws the most attention doesn’t always mean it is right and supported by the majority.
I’m only 24. I’m still young and have much to experience. But from what I know so far, some of the hardest times resulted from infidelity; however, the best experiences and what makes life so wonderful for me is the love and devotion I receive and try to reciprocate.
Jill Gammon
Today we are freer to fulfill ourselves sexually than we have been for centuries. We’re surrounded with so much encouragement and goading from the media and general public. All this provokes men and women to believe that their sexual lives must be inadequate, so, as a consequence, adultery happens.
Of course, it is obvious that people and the mass media could hardly be called to be adviser in the maze of personal relations, despite their “high” qualifications in politics, for example. Of course, there is sex in politics, but there is no politics in sex.
So, provoked by our surroundings, we start to consider being faithful as the restriction of our right to “freedom of choice.”I know that “variety is the spice of life,” but I know also that one can’t be satisfied with pepper and cinnamon only.
As usual, infidelity is the matter of each person’s thoughtfulness and weakness, and can be overcome by self-control. I can say that so-called “strong and overwhelming” desires are nothing more than an indication of weakness. So, don’t be proud of your sexual achievements.
Mira Sonchenko
Love is love, not a game. It’s a very special deep feeling which, in my opinion, leaves no space for deliberate betraying. No need to explain why.
Love as a game is something different – its flirtation, passion, infatuation or entertainment. Call it as you want, but I don’t believe that true lovers can easily accept betrayal unless, of course, it’s not a rule in their love game.
Nataliya Rudnichenko
To be faithful to the one you love? Of course, if you love. But now it seems love is everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Real love is really rare, and it should be so. As a rule, as time passes infatuation that we call “love” is called by its proper name.
To be faithful to one? But sometimes man doesn’t deserve a faithful woman. And sometimes one woman doesn’t involve us entirely with the all our needs, wants and expectations. You can think I want to read only bad sides of each person’s life, but I am not an optimist nor pessimist and try just to show the realistic side.
Anyway, Olga’s arguments were not convincing while pain (John’s story) is probably the only argument for being faithful.
Vlad Bratik
John, I am sorry your fairytale romance had such a prosaic finale. It is a painful experience that would have been less painful if you were in New York. My guess is that stories like yours happen in the U.S., as well. Maybe you feel it so close to heart because you’ve experienced a sort of culture shock. Take it easier. It will pass in time. As for the rules of the game, they do not differ from country to country. In my belief, people are consistent in everything they do. There are persons who cannot possibly deceive in business, politics, friendship or love. There are others who are natural traitors. But we are less shocked when cheated in the office. Why do we get so upset when love is concerned?
By the way, did you really come to Kyiv exclusively for the sake of your beloved one? No business, no job interest, no other matters involved, huh? If yes, you are the last romantic relic of our time.
Olga, when you cheat on your lover, do you really want him to become a second Shakespeare and push the world’s arts and civilization? When caught in the act, did you ever try to recite the examples of Cleopatra and Madonna to your deceived partner? I would sacrifice the best piece of poetry for just the pleasure to witness the scene.
As for the well-known fact that faithful women are not cheerful, who was the expert? I saw a couple of them looking quite optimistic and I dare not call their husbands gloomy. Actually, things are very simple. When someone wants to dupe the other, he or she should remember a tiny thing: The silliest belief is to consider the partner to be an idiot or blind. Sometimes a cheater risks taking generosity for stupidity. The danger is that even generosity has its limits.
Helen Bondar
