You’ve seen them getting out of Mercedes on Khreshchatyk. YouХve seen them filling the booths at Dynamo Lux. YouХve seen them loitering around bank lobbies.
And now you want one of your own.
Getting a goon in Kyiv is actually quite easy, no matter what your reason. Thugs are handpicked specifically for your personal situation, be it obsessive paranoia, fear of a former business partner, or anxiety over the tax police.
They only come in one size (jumbo), but you can pick whether you want them in uniform with a holster or in a cheap suit with bulging pockets. Most security services offer next-day delivery on thugs, although if you are in a pinch, express thugs are available.
Thanks to a competitive market, the price for thick necks has remained rather low. According to Ruslan Dzigzichury, the director of Arsenal-95 Security Service, two top-of-the-line thugs can be had for about $200 a week. If you need 24-hour security, tack on about $50 per strongman every week.
A decent BMW or Mercedes, complete with tinted windows, costs another $50 a day, although it enhances your image by leaps and bounds. Such accessories are especially recommended for those looking for security while closing a business deal Р and who want to avoid the embarrassment of taking a trolley bus to the agreed upon location. If you want an armor-plated car, however, thatХs your own responsibility.
Thugs come equipped with their very own gas-pellet gun, because real pistols are currently illegal in Ukraine. However, if nothing but a Browning will make you feel safe, something can be arranged.
Most security services, according to Dzigzichury, also provide a range of other services, which he was not at liberty to discuss. I donХt dare speculate what those might be, but I swear I once saw a thug washing a car.
What Dzigzichury would say is that most thugs range from 20- to 30-years-old, and generally have had military training or worked with state security units.
Also, tactical analysis is available. Simply explain the situation, and the security organization will give a price estimate and organize security for the event.
DonХt worry, mobile units can provide a convoy for those who want to keep snipers disoriented.
These services generally come with a lawyer or two and operate within the law, whenever possible. For a complete listing of local security providers, look under Security Services in the Kyiv Business Directory.
And remember, itХs only paranoia if youХre imagining it.
Jake Rudnitsky
