My father used to tell me: “All that glitters isn’t gold.” This time-worn axiom occurred to me recently as I was watching a bewildered-looking older man, who appeared to be an American, walking with an attractive young Ukrainian woman into the Teatralna metro station.
I wondered if this fellow countryman might be “blinded” by beauty as well as a bit naive. Perhaps he only saw the “glitter” of the lovely blonde young woman beside him. He most likely didn’t “see,” nor had little or any idea about, the massive differences in culture, social thinking and mores between Ukrainians and Americans.
He may have thought he was looking at the possibility of finding the most “magical experience” of his life, but he could also be looking at the biggest mistake he could ever make.
So, the obvious question is simple: What is it that attracts foreign men to marry Ukrainian women?
Indeed, let’s have a look at the facts, both from the “magic” and the “mistake” points of view, the “gold” and the “glitter.”
Here’s the “good, the bad, and the ugly” of foreigner marriages to Ukrainian women from my perspective as an American expatriate married to a Ukrainian woman.
The biggest word of caution I would give any foreign man involves marriage to a divorced Ukrainian woman. Foreign suitors should know that male chauvinism means that Ukrainian men still think of their ex-wives as “belonging” to them. Even though many Ukrainian ex-husbands don’t financially support their ex-wives or children, they want to control their former spouses’ lives. So, be cautious.
There are differences deeply rooted in culture. This is compounded with Soviet oppression, which left people mistreated and disrespected.
Regrettably, overcoming this legacy has led some Ukrainians to engage in ostentatious displays of wealth. The mistake is equating material goods with respect and success. These attitudes carry over to women of all ages who want expensive gifts, not merely flowers and candy. It’s natural, but carried to an extreme it can be used as a benchmark of a man’s worthiness in marriage. Many want to marry millionaires so much that there are schools for women on how to attract and marry a foreign millionaire.
Language differences can never be forgotten, even if the woman speaks English well. Lack of communication is the number one reason marriages fail in any country.
Peculiar ideas
Foreign men should be aware that some Ukrainian mothers are obsessive about their children. Men wanting to integrate into an existing family should not take it casually. My advice for coping: be patient, discard jealousy and realize only love and understanding will help. The best place to start is to hope your future wife will love you as much as she loves her children…or at least treats you equally. A divorced mother has a longer history with her children than she will ever have with a new husband. That is a key fact to take to heart.
It is not unusual to see a Ukrainian woman overdressed for a simple occasion. Western men are often quite mystified by this practice. Young women wear high heels on almost all occasions and in almost all weather. Likewise, in Ukrainian culture, it is not unusual for a woman to display her cleavage, and/or breasts, and skirts are sometimes so short the women must cover themselves with their purse when they sit down. There is a tendency among some Ukrainian women to use too many cosmetics, a surprising habit since so many women in Ukraine are naturally beautiful. My wife happens to be one of them.
Marriage failures
Here is one of the stories I know about the failures:
The man, an American, was a successful business owner from the Los Angeles area. He found a lovely, divorced woman in southern Ukraine who had two teen-aged children. After about a year, they decided to get married. The man, however, spoke no Russian or Ukrainian, and the woman had only intermediate-level English. She is well-educated and was then working as a professor at a local university.
He brought them all to live in southern California. It was a huge cultural shock for both of them. He had troubles adjusting to her children. She had problems adjusting to his long working hours. In an effort to readjust, he sold his business and they moved to South Carolina. Even though both got good jobs, the cultural and language issues continued. They divorced after about 10 years of marriage.
‘Magic’ in marriage
Since I am married to a simply beautiful, fantastic and “magical” Ukrainian woman, let me start from my own perspective. I found out about Ukraine’s “legendary beauties” from friends of mine in San Diego, California. A few months later, another friend of mine told me he knew about a “dating website” on the Internet where I could communicate with nice Christian women. Today, 14 years later, I have to say I am glad I found that dating website.
My wife, Tatiana, is indeed “magical” for me and worth all the effort I had to make. We struggle over cultural differences, and still there are language misunderstandings even though she speaks English at an advanced level. We have to work daily on adjusting to each other, but slowly and steadily we are making progress. We’ve been together for two years now. With Tania, I always think about the saying: “It’s not your first love that matters, it’s your last!” She is my last.
What does it take?
Finally, I would say that the answer to success in marriage between a foreign man and a Ukrainian woman isn’t really too much different than it is in another country. There are obstacles with culture and language. However, because of our human natures, marriage isn’t always easy in any circumstance. My parents were married for 65 years. They married at age 18 and theirs was not a perfect marriage. They had many differences of opinion, and despite having the same native language and culture, they still had to find compromises.
However, just as Tania and have, my father and mother found the keys to marriage success: they had great love and dedication to each other. Dedication is what makes the difference, in being able to find gold, not just see glitter. Tania said personally for her, the biggest challenge has not been language, but opposite cultural ideas and norms. That and the fact men and women think differently, plus the normal joining of any existing family unit with children is difficult from all sides, even when everyone wants the integration to work. And there are the problems of the diabolical ex-spouse wanting to be vindictive. For Tania, it has been really challenging at times.
So I remind any foreign men wanting to find a Ukrainian wife that they should come with more than just love to give in their hearts. They must be prepared to make extra efforts to find the “gold”…the real magic of Ukrainian women. I can tell you, it is there.
Eric Gilliatt is an English language educator and business consultant in Kyiv and a professor of business and tutor for the Edinburgh School of Business. He may be contacted at [email protected] or [email protected].
